Date Night
by MadQuinn13
Summary: Natasha and Maria finally get a night alone. Or at least they try to. Black Hill.


Maria was so happy to finally have a day off that included being off the helicarrier since her last twenty eight days off involved either getting called in for some shit like making Natasha do paper work, attending a fake funeral for Phil, getting completely yelled at and ignored by Clint and Natasha for not saying the funeral was fake, even when Clint started sobbing like a baby and diving into the grave with said weighed down coffin.

But that was all taken care of and better now. Phil was allowed to tell people he wasn't actually dead. Tony was still being a baby over it and in all fairness Phil was being pissy with Fury for ruining his Captain America near mint trading cards, now there bloody and not even a weird goth kid would want to touch them….even if they were signed.

Point was Phil was there to take care of any issue that came up so she could have finally have a night alone with Natasha who was currently checking on the pop-tarts since that was all Maria trusted her with food wise.

"You got the DVR ready right?" Natasha called out placing the pop tarts on a plate and only mildly cursing at the fact that they are way more hot than they should be.

"Yes, did you want to start with catching up on New Girl, Game of Thrones or actually finally watch the last season of something." Maria listed off going through their entire DVR recordings.

"If we watch the last season it means it's actually over. You know I'm not ready for that!"

"It's been like years for Buffy though. We can at least watch the other episodes. Phil keeps making it seem like some big shit happens in season seven and he keeps flashing those damn season eight comics."

"No. If I start it I will want to finish it and I will curl up in a ball and cry for a week. That isn't healthy."

"You haven't cried in like twenty years, that isn't healthy either." Maria went to New Girl since as far as she knew that wasn't cancelled after the first season and if Game of Thrones killed off any of Natasha's favorites she wouldn't be getting laid later on and that was not how she wanted her night to go.

"Oh yeah? When was the last time you cried?" Natasha challenged putting the last pair of pop tarts in the toaster.

"Two months ago."

"When you broke your nose? That doesn't count."

"There were tears."

"No your eyes just watered, the body always makes the eyes water when the nose is broke."

"What do you call tears then if not water from the eyes."

"That's it, we are watching Game of Thrones and if you do not shed a tear when Ned dies you are inhuman."

"You didn't cry." Maria refused to be told how unavailable she was emotionally by someone who has the emotional rage of a toddler.

"I am house Targaryen, if I was house Stark I would have. But I saw it coming too. I read the book."

"You didn't read the book."

"I listened to the audio book in the bath."

"No you didn't you usually just masturbate and sleep in the bath."

"Fine, I listened to the audiobook when I was supposed to be listening to whatever those audio files were that Fury kept giving me before missions, and during missions….and half my reports probably have random lines from the book in them."

"They do. In Stark's there's the '_don't want to wake the dragon do you?_' line. I thought you might've typed "Winter is Coming" Fury thought it was some desperate plead at help."

"Is that why he tried to get me to talk to that therapist?"

"Yeah, but hey shooting the therapist gave him an answer." Maria was used to getting shot. If you were around Natasha for the amount of time she was, you were bond to get hit by the odd stray bullet….or the odd I'm so pissed at you right now I'm going to shoot you in the shoulder or ass. Tony still had the scar on his left asscheek.

"It was fun…" Natasha was grinning so much at the memory carrying over the pop tarts to join the chips and popcorn already on the table with the bottle of wine before falling on the couch and leaning into Maria's chest. "You're cozy you know that?"

"I've been told." She muttered into Natasha's shoulder hitting play on episode ten of New Girl.

"We really should just get crazy straws so that way we don't have to lift our heads to drink." Natasha always came up with the best stupid and lazy ideas while cuddling. Maria was still getting use to nicely rejecting them.

"Or we could stay off the path of white trash and just lift our heads and bring the glass to our lips."

"Fine."

Three bottles of wine later.

"Who's that girl! Who's that girl! Who's that girl! Who's that girl! It's Jess!" The pair sang along with the theme song and Natasha would be lying if she said she remembered when her shirt came off but then again she didn't know when Maria's pants came off and she could not see them anyways in the living room and was pretty sure something ran off with them.

"I could totally out crazy a guy with a gun." Natasha decided.

"I'm not sure about that. I know you could out gun a guy with a gun….even without a gun, but out crazy…in the violence way or in the creepy crazy kind, kind of way if violence oh yeah. Pass me the M&M's please." Natasha grabbed the last one and popped it in her mouth. Maria not losing the last M&M grabbed Natasha's face and decided to take the M&M back by disgusting the tactic as a kiss. After a long and hard battle Maria pulled back victorious even if Natasha did bite her tongue really hard.

"I won! I got the M&M!"

"I can't believe you kissed me just to get the last M&M." Natasha shifted a bit in her seat trying to get comfortable having her position altered during the fight for the M&M. "Did you get my underwear off without taking my pants off? How did you do that? You are a sex ninja."

Maria was about to make a move and show just how much of a sex ninja she could be when a knock interrupted them.

"Did you actually order food? I thought we were just discussing it…what did I order again?" Natasha was a terrible drunk, but oddly enough only when she was alone with Maria, Maria was so use to this that she was expecting and really prepared for the Russian gibberish but she knew at the point any sex would be found to be rape in any legal setting so the window was closing.

"No I don't think we did." Maria watched as Natasha hard a hard time keeping her eyes open or her head up so she got a glass of water before going to the door. "No more wine for you. Drink this, try to sober up." She checked the peephole and sighed. "Did you invite Pepper?"

"Yes. I always invite people who actually want to sleep with Stark over when we're trying to be alone." Natasha rolled her eyes, she hated being around Pepper when alcohol was involved. She always got handsy and kind of rapey but only with Natasha and depending on what she was drinking Natasha's reflexes and speech functions disappear which Pepper always takes as yes. She's like a frat boy that way.

Maria rolled her eyes finding that Natasha's ass was too far away to smack. She was going to think of something else to make her pay later.

"Pepper who's dying?" Maria knew that someone must be dying or trying to take the over world for interrupting their date night.

"No one…I had a fight with Tony and I really need someone to talk to." Pepper looked like she had been crying and was about to start again. "I think we broke up." Pepper looked at Maria. "Why aren't you wearing pants?" She noticed Natasha on the couch. "Where is her shirt?"

"The Underpants Gnomes came. We lost the battle but the war isn't over yet." Natasha announced from the couch. "Jess and Nick really should just get together already! THE WAITRESS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU NICK! SHE'S CHARLIE'S GIRL!"

"You're watching New Girl?" Pepper just invited herself in sitting on the couch next to the drunk assassin.

"I am killing Stark. I don't care what happens to me after that, I am killing him. I am going to shoot him in his I'm sure very small penis before I make him wish he didn't take the light bright out of his chest." Maria muttered to herself making the way to the couch, grabbing a new wine glass on the way since she knew Pepper was going to at least want a glass.

They were on the couch for a half hour before Maria's phone started going off, only the higher up members of S.H.I.E.L.D had the number, Natasha didn't even know it. When it rang it was a big deal.

"I'll just be a moment." She untangled herself from the clingy Natasha and went into their bedroom, she noticed it was Phil's number and he knew not to interrupt them tonight so it had better be good. "Someone better be dead. For real this time."

"Pepper called me really upset, her and Stark had a really bad fight. I told her that I was stuck at the office doing paperwork. She asked if you or Natasha were also there and I said no. I didn't want her to come here and find out I lied I said that I thought you two might be home. So she might show up. I'm sorry."

"She's already here. She saw what we were watching, decided to watch it with us and is drinking our wine, I don't really mind the last part but when she drinks she tries to get with Natasha and Natasha is drunk to the point she is back to believing in the Underpants Gnomes, thank you again for showing her that episode of South Park."

"You sound pissed. Did Pepper come before you did?"

"I'm going to kill you. You and Stark tomorrow morning. Slow painful deaths." Maria hung up heading back into the living room where Natasha had actually took the middle cushion up and used it as a barrier between herself and the CEO who was currently doing shots.

Maria fixed the cushion and placed herself between the two redheads. She just wanted a quite night at home with her girlfriend who she rarely got alone time with. But no. That was too much to ask.

Pepper was going on about how much of an asshole Tony was but big joke on him Pepper is the one with his wallet. Now this Maria could use to her advantage. She was hungry, she could actually feel Natasha's stomach rumbling. She did not want to cook and she wasn't sure if Pepper could cook, well she figured she could but Maria didn't remember the last time she went grocery shopping and she knew Natasha never did so even if someone wanted to cook there was no food to cook.

"Pepper how did you get here did you drive?" Maria asked putting her plan into action.

"Nope, I took one of the car services that have an account with that dick."

"Are you hungry Pepper?"

"I could eat. They do say not to drink on an empty stomach. We should get take out."

"We should! I'll go get the phone." Maria even started to get up. "Oh you know what. I just remembered their debit machines never work up here. Darn."

"I could take the car and get the food. Just to rack up a bigger bill." Pepper thought it was her idea. It was amazing just how good at this Maria was, even if she was pretty much drunk.

"That's a great idea. You know if you just go across the city, you can get more food, burn more gas, and even make sure you go to the pricey take out places. Not just the cheap places around here." Pepper started to get up. "I'm going to call into some restaurants, tell them it's for Tony and I. They will make it to go for an extra tip. Anything good or did you two have requests?"

"Whatever you want Pepper." Maria had no problem eating anything mostly since she just wanted Pepper to leave if only for a little while. Natasha just nodded her agreement.

"No mushrooms they look like penises and I don't wanna eat 'em tonight." No one could say that drunk Natasha wasn't funny.

Pepper gave a half ass salute before leaving.

As soon as the door closed Natasha turned over so she could straddle Maria's waist. "I'm sorry I took the last M&M on you. I'm also sorry I bit your tongue really hard when you tried to take it back." Natasha was paying special attention to Maria's neck.

"That's fine. How long do you think we'll have before she comes back?" Maria asked her hands undoing Natasha's bra.

"An hour, maybe more. I'm willing to skip the foreplay if you are." Natasha was ready to go. She already smoothly removed Maria's bra without taking off her shirt. She still didn't know how Maria did it with her panties without her noticing.

"Yeah, we'll do that tonight after she leaves."

"If she leaves."

"Don't you dare even suggest that." Maria was quick to get rid of her shirt and started pulling for Natasha's pants to join her shirt on the floor.

…

Pepper had the driver help her bring all the food up. Yes it was more than they could eat for a week but she was pissed at Tony and had a feeling that Maria and Natasha's fridge was bare so they might as well have something they could just pop in the microwave if they get hungry if not oh well Pepper didn't pay for it.

She knocked and was let told by Natasha to count to twenty and come in. She wasn't surprised, the other woman was drunk and frankly if she still wasn't wearing a top Pepper would count to a million for her.

She was a bit surprised to see Natasha fully covered, as was Maria…in different clothes altogether. Now if Pepper didn't have that bottle of wine swimming around in her head she would've thought that they had sex but she was pretty sure they weren't together. They were just very close friends. After all this apartment was a two bedroom.

"Jesus who are we feeding with all this food?" Natasha asked noticeably less drunk.

"I figured we could say fuck Tony while filling the fridge." Pepper did enjoy the grin on Natasha's pretty face.

"Maria! I don't have to cook for the week!"

"You're not allowed to even look at the oven why would you cook?" Maria called back emerging from the bedroom.

"I made the pop tarts." Natasha pouted, Maria had her glasses on. She looked so adorable and smart in them.

"You burnt half of them." Maria teased grabbing a few plates and cutlery so they could dig in.

Pepper looked at the tv screen as they all gathered back around the coffee table. "We just finished New Girl. What show is next?"

"Kitchen Nightmares?"

"Not while we're eating."

"Extreme Couponing."

"Yes!"

…

Maria had noticed Natasha fell asleep around a hour after they were all so full they felt sick, or that was the wine talking. So Maria decided to carry Natasha to bed just to make more room on the couch since Pepper was still wide awake and apparently coming even more undone about the possible break up with Stark.

"I'm going to need to find a new job…" Pepper noted. "I'm going to be unemployed and homeless."

"I thought Stark made you CEO?" Maria remembered hearing Natasha tell her that.

"He did but I would have to step down and leave out of you know, principle."

"Fuck that. You ran it more than he did."

"No one believes that though." Pepper rolled her eyes. "It's just so hard sometimes." Pepper knew that Maria would understand where she was coming from at least slightly. She knew that S.H.I.E.L.D was mostly inhabited by men too.

"Come to S.H.I.E.L.D then. You can run the financial side of that. Fury can't do math to save his life." Maria knew from the amount of broken calculators in his office. He had a temper.

"Done!" Pepper started yawning.

"Come on, you can sleep in the spare room." Pepper followed Maria into the room and fell asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Maria went to her room where Natasha was already spread out over the center of the bed. "You're lucky you're cute." She nudged Natasha until the other woman rolled over enough so Maria could at least get in the bed without feeling like she's about to fall off it.

The last thing Maria remembers was falling asleep next to Natasha. This kept changing.

Sometime during the night Natasha got up, attempted to throw up in the bathroom (Maria was not cleaning that up she didn't love her that much) during this time Pepper got herself a drink in the kitchen they ended up switching beds somehow.

Pepper really thought the other body in the bed belonged to Natasha, she didn't think it was Maria's. So when she stripped down and got…well on top of the other person she should have seen the brown hair on the pillow. Damn lighting. However Maria didn't know it wasn't Natasha, she was use to the assassin doing this to her. It was Natasha's favorite way to wake her up. So when Maria's hands started going up the body on top of her, she had no idea it was not her 100% committed girlfriend. When she did hear a moan that did not sound like any Natasha has ever made Maria opened her eyes despite the soreness of them. She pushed Pepper off her and started to panic. The only thing that could be worse than breaking up with The Black Widow, would be to cheat on her and frankly Maria wasn't ready to die a slow and painful death.

That's when Maria decided to sleep on the couch. The couch was safe. Pepper wasn't on the couch.

Natasha however had her own issues with the CEO. Yes Natasha somehow ended up in the wrong bed. Yes she didn't really question where Maria was since she was did remember Maria leaving her alone in bed, even if it was only for a second. But when came back after getting the water to wash out the taste of the vomit there was a body in the bed, but there was also a body on the couch. Maria wouldn't sleep on the couch over her so Pepper must have just passed out on the couch. That was fine.

What was not fine was when Natasha woke up next to the body in bed and felt a hand **in** her pants. The hand did not belong to Maria. This hand was soft, the kind of soft you get by not having a gun and hand to hand combat used on them.

She knew right away it was Pepper. "I need an adult!" Natasha was still buzzed and she was tired and she was being molested in her own home!

Pepper jumped back and fell off the bed. Maria was still asleep on the couch (lot of good she was). Natasha didn't want to deal with Pepper. She was most likely going to break something on the CEO and didn't want to deal with the shit that came with it.

And that is how Natasha woke up on the living room floor feeling violated and Maria woke up on the couch feeling terrified and guilty after planning a quite night at home.


End file.
